A conspiracy usually makes life easier, right? So, if there’s a Zionist conspiracy, Jews should have it made.

Yeah, we’ve got it easy. Always have.

Jews have a 5000-year history of being chased out of countries. Every time we buy houses, set up little shops and maybe build a synagogue or two, a bunch of thugs show up, start smashing windows and yell “get the hell out.”

And now we’re really living the dream. Finally, after 5700 years, we’ve settled down in a few places. We’re pretty comfortable. We only get a few Swastikas burned on our places of worship. Can’t be more than a few thousand websites making inane arguments about how evil we are.

I haven’t had anyone accuse me of “Jewing them down” in almost three years. And no one’s asked me if I wanted a bagel in almost a decade. Terrorists only blow us up, what, every few weeks?

Clearly, we’ve got it made, all because of our powerful, secretive inner circle of people high up in governments and financial institutions. That was sarcasm, by the way.

Why Am I Left Out?!

Goddammit. Where’s the love?

I’m Jewish. If there’s a worldwide conspiracy, why did you guys leave me out of it?! It’s grade school all over again: I was always the last guy picked when we played Shadow Government.

Speaking as a Jew: If I pulled the strings, or if I were a string, in an immense, worldwide conspiracy, Holocaust deniers would be mucking out latrines on the Golan Heights, or working on Alaskan fish processors.

Of course, if you’re an anti-semitic tool, you’re thinking, “Ian, you’re lying. You’re high up in the Zionist hierarchy.”

If I Were In Charge, I’d Have Better Stuff

OK. Pretend I am. I’m in charge. I pull all the strings.

I fly coach. Flying coach in the USA is like prolonged punishment. Flying First Class is nicer. You get better food. Soft drinks when you want them. A restroom that’s usually open. And it’s not that conspicuous. Lots of people get upgraded. All I’d have to do is poke a few people off the wait list and bam: First Class, all the time, baby. No one would notice. If I were in charge, I’d fly first class, everywhere.

The thermostat in my house just broke. The heat was stuck on. My wife had to pull corroded batteries out of the thermostat, or we would have all roasted slowly, rendering down to fat as the smell of burning cat fur filled our noses. If I were in charge, my thermostat would always work.

I’m writing this on an old monitor. The contrast is so low it looks like an old, sepia-toned photograph. I’m squinting. I’ll probably go blind without all the fun of masturbation. If I were in charge, I’d have a much nicer monitor.

If I were part of a massive conspiracy, I’d have much better stuff.

All in All, We Can Do Better

All you fellow participants in the Jewish Cabal, take note: We’re underachieving.

That, or there’s no conspiracy.

Now, the people who fix basketball games by buying the refs? That’s for real.